The Breakup Artist Read online

  No, that wouldn’t be nice. I might be frustrated at the world right now, but I wasn’t so frustrated that I was going to bust his bedroom window.

  I’d just have to use some of my ill-gotten gains to fix it, after all.

  Finally a shadow appeared in front of the window. His curtains parted and I was staring at…

  Kylie?

  What the ever loving fuck was Kylie doing over there in Craig’s room? She looked a little confused, and then her eyes locked on me and that confusion turned to anger. She wheeled around and disappeared, the curtains closing behind her, and then the shouting started.

  It’s not like I could hear what they were saying, not exactly, but clearly Kylie wasn’t happy about seeing Craig’s female next door neighbor hitting his window with some rocks like something straight out of a cheesy romance movie or something.

  Though I couldn’t see why she’d be upset about me hitting Craig’s window with rocks like something out of a cheesy teen romance unless…

  Oh shit. What if they were in the middle of their own romance and I’d just ruined things by tapping at his window? Shit. What if Craig had taken my advice to heart and he’d gone for it after Kylie went back on the market?

  There was more shouting. I thought I might’ve even heard something crashing around in there and I winced. I hadn’t meant to cause this.

  It was starting to look like I might’ve just inadvertently caused another breakup by simply existing and trying to get Craig’s attention. If that was the case then it would’ve been the easiest breakup I ever did, but I also would’ve felt like a massive piece of shit for pulling this job.

  Finally the curtains opened again. The window popped open. Craig popped his head out.

  “Sorry about that,” he said. “What’s up?”

  He had his usual smile. As though he didn’t have a care in the world. As though there hadn’t been a shouting match going on in his room just now. Maybe he thought I totally couldn’t hear that shouting match going on.

  “Um, are you okay?” I asked. “Like, is this a bad time or something?”

  “Totally not a bad time at all,” he said.

  “What are you talking about?” I heard from inside.

  “Would you hold on a minute?” he said, turning to shout into the room. “I’m talking with a friend here.”

  “Who’s a girl!” Kylie said.

  “Yes. A girl who is a friend. It’s possible for guys to have girls who are friends that they aren’t fucking!” he said, a hint of annoyance coming to his voice.

  Then he was back to me. The smile was back, but it looked strained this time. Obviously he was having some trouble here, and I felt bad for being the one causing that trouble.

  “Sorry about that,” he said. “Kylie sort of has some trust issues around guys she’s dating because of recent events. You might remember.”

  “I… do…” I said.

  I was flabbergasted. I know Craig had that whole cute geek thing going for him, but I didn’t think he’d be able to take the whole cute geek thing and turn it into…

  “Wait a minute. Guys she’s dating? You’re on a date?”

  I wasn’t sure whether I should be flummoxed that he was on a date with Kylie or feel bad that I’d interrupted that date. Or maybe this was all a dream I was having after I’d passed out and Miss Gulch was going to fly down past my window on her bicycle any minute now and transform into the Wicked Witch of the West.

  That wouldn’t be all that surprising considering all the other surprises that were hitting me this evening.

  “Look, maybe it would be better if we came over there to talk this through with you,” he said.

  “Um, I’m not so sure about that,” I said.

  I wasn’t so sure I wanted their fight to spill over to my house. My parents usually left me to do my own thing, but I wasn’t sure if that would extend to allowing Craig and his new girlfriend to have a fight with me at the center while they were trying to watch TV downstairs.

  “Trust me,” Craig said. “It’s going to be fine!”

  I thought I heard Kylie in the background talking about how it was going to be anything but fine if they went over to my room, but then his window closed and whatever convincing he was going to do to get her over here was cut off.

  Well then. Talk about your big surprises. I mean I know it’s not a surprise for everyone reading this because you all know Craig and Kylie have been dating for awhile now, and they’re very happy together too thank you very much.

  Which just goes to show that my argument about some people needing to be broken up is absolutely right. Kylie wouldn’t be nearly as happy as she is now if I hadn’t forced things along with her and the asshole.

  I’m getting away from myself though. There I was standing in my room staring out the window with Craig and Kylie presumably coming over any minute now which was going to make things even more awkward.

  As though I needed any more trouble tonight on top of everything else.

  17

  Coming Out

  Ashley Timmons says:

  I thought the whole gay thing was terrifying enough when I was admitting it to myself for the first time. Turns out that's nothing compared to how terrifying it was coming out to someone else.

  Sure it was Craig. Sure he actually ended up feeling a lot better in the end because the whole coming out thing meant he didn't have to take the whole middle school rejection thing as personally. Still, it was tough.

  Even writing about it is tough, so I'm getting right into it before I chicken out. No clever insults for the peanut gallery today. They say the first time is terrifying, and they were right.

  The fact that I basically came out to the world on these updates is proof of that. To anyone reading who’s in the same place I was just keep in mind that it gets easier and it gets better. You might have to wade through a lot of shit before you get to your better, but it'll happen if you stick with it and do you.

  Right. Here I am still avoiding it. Well no more. On with the story.

  A knock on my bedroom door. Not all that odd, but the circumstances behind that knock on my bedroom door were sure as hell a little suspicious.

  I took a deep breath. Let it out. Forced myself to stay calm even though calm is not what I was feeling right.

  I walked over to the door. Opened it. And was surprised to see my mom standing there with a bemused look on her face.

  “Um, hi mom?” I said, not really sure why it came out as a question.

  “Hi yourself,” she said. “So do you want to tell me why Craig is over here at this time of night with a girl I’ve never seen before asking to come up to your room?”

  I thought of a few excuses that might make sense, then decided none of them would work. I figured the truth, or at least a version of the truth that was close enough to reality for government work, would be best.

  “He’s got a new girlfriend and he wanted to introduce us,” I said.

  “I see,” she said, still hitting me with a weird look.

  Parents. It’s like they didn’t trust you no matter what you did. Here I was totally telling her the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth and she was still thinking about giving me the Nth degree.

  “So are you going to let him in?” I asked.

  “It is late…” she said.

  “Come on mom,” I said. “This is Craig we’re talking about. It’s not like I’m inviting Steve up here.”

  She frowned again. Yeah, the parental unit was being a first class weirdo tonight, but then again when are parents not weird?

  “Fine,” she said. “But keep your door open.”

  “Will do mom!” I said.

  I moved over to my desk and sat down. Wondered what the hell that was all about. Did she think we were going to have a threesome up here or something?

  I mean Kylie is a pretty girl, don’t get me wrong. And no, before all you perverts out there in the audience get started that is not something that
has ever happened nor is it something that ever will happen thank you very much.

  A minute later Craig and Kylie walked through the door. I noted that they were holding hands, but the minute they were through the door that stopped. Kylie crossed her arms and looked between the two of us as though she wasn’t sure about any of this, and I can’t say I blamed her.

  I’d probably be a little annoyed too if I found out the person I was dating was next door neighbors to someone they ignored me for.

  “Um, so nice to see you Craig,” I said. “Now do you want to tell me what the hell’s going on here?”

  He closed the door behind him. I hit the door with a nervous glance, but it’s not like I was that worried. After all, it’s not like there was much worry that my mom would come back up here to check on me.

  She’d threatened that plenty of times when Steve was over here to “study” with me, and she’d always been too busy watching her TV shows to ever bother to follow through on that threat.

  That was a point of frustration for me because there’d been a few times when I’d found myself wishing she would come up and check on us. That would give me an excuse for avoiding Steve’s roaming hands.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “You and Kylie?” I said. “Last I checked wasn’t she on the outs with her boyfriend Thomas? The guy who could turn you into paste if he wanted to?”

  Craig turned to Kylie and smiled. It was a hesitant smile, but it was there, and I suddenly felt a little worried for some reason.

  I couldn’t quite put a finger on why I felt worried. Just that the worry was there and I didn’t care for it.

  He was looking at her like a lovesick fool. He was looking at her with the eyes of a man who might give up something.

  “You know they’re not on the outs Ashley,” he said. “They broke up and we’re the ones that did it!”

  He was so smiley about it. So matter of fact. As though it didn’t matter one bit that he’d just given away the second biggest secret in my life to a pair of pretty eyes who was looking pretty good in her T-shirt and shorts, let me tell you. She’d done that thing where she tucked the tight T-shirt into her shorts, and those shorts were definitely a little higher up on her legs than the school dress code would allow.

  I looked away as soon as I realized what the hell I was doing. The last thing I needed was for her to catch me checking her out.

  Even if she was giving me a weird look.

  “You don’t have to worry,” she said. “I know who you are, and I’m not going to tell anyone.”

  Talk about unexpected. Welcome, but unexpected. Also? I totally didn’t trust her when she said I could trust her. After all, I had more than a few people who were obviously gunning for me, and how did I know for sure that she wasn’t the one behind some of the anonymous emails I’d been getting lately?

  I didn’t. Not without more verification.

  “Yeah, well you’ll forgive me if I’m not in a trusting mood,” I said. “It’s been a hell of a night.”

  “Come on,” Kylie said, sitting down on my bed. “You have to trust someone. You trust Craig, don’t you? Well why don’t you trust me? I have you to thank for so much after all.”

  Now I know what a lot of you out there reading this are going to say. You’re going to tell me I’m making stuff up. That I’m putting some bullshit out there to try and make up for the fact that all y’all think I’m a terrible person or something. That I’m trying to make myself sound better by making everyone think Kylie was glad I broke her and Thomas up.

  I know this has to be a huge blow to your ego in particular, Tommy Boy. Yeah, I know you’re still out there commenting on my stuff even though I blocked you so I can’t actually see your replies.

  I swear this is all totally the truth. You’ve seen Kylie down there in the comments and she’ll totally back all of this up. Just ask her when she shows up. I promise it’s the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

  “You want to thank me?” I asked.

  “Well yeah,” she said. “If it weren’t for you I’d still be with Thomas and I’d still be oblivious that he was cheating on me with anything with a pulse.”

  She paused. Looked over at Craig and there was no denying that there was some love there as she looked at him.

  “If you two hadn’t shown me what Thomas was up to then I never would’ve gotten with Craig here, for that matter.”

  I looked between the two of them. I’m gonna be honest here. I was having trouble believing I lived in a world where the two of them were an item.

  It’s not that I didn’t think Craig was capable of pulling a girl like Kylie. Far from it. He had the cute geek thing, after all. I keep coming back to that but it’s true.

  It’s just that I hadn’t ever seen him come out of his shell enough to pull a girl like Kylie. I couldn't believe this was the same Craig who carried a torch for me all through our sixth grade year and didn’t tell me anything about it until the beginning of seventh grade.

  I still felt bad about how that worked out. Like there were times when I felt like it was partially my fault that he was so reluctant around women considering I'd had to let him down, but at the same time it looked like I’d prodded him to finally grow a pair when it came to the ladies.

  “Um, you’re welcome, I guess?”

  Then something occurred to me. This was an opportunity to catch her off guard. To maybe get her to give something up if she was the person throwing all these strange emails at me.

  I didn’t think it was really her, or Craig for that matter. Because I trusted Craig, and also because I was pretty sure they’d been in his room sucking face when I was getting those emails, but it was still possible and I needed to say something to throw them off balance and make sure it wasn’t them.

  My eyes narrowed. “You know Sandra, right? You’re on the gymnastics team together?”

  She blinked a couple of times. I guess when it came to the long list of things she was expecting me to say that was near the bottom.

  “Well yeah?” she said.

  “Yeah, well what do you know about her and her boyfriend?”

  She stared at me for a long moment. Like she was trying to decide whether or not I’d gone completely off the deep end.

  “Sure I know about her and her boyfriend. Doesn’t everyone?”

  I leaned in closer. I was painfully aware that this was Kylie. On my bed. She was no Maddie, but I think everyone out there knows how cute she is. It was distracting having her on my bed after I’d come to the realization that I sort of liked the idea of having cute girls on my bed.

  And all you pervs out there can give it a rest before you start. She already knows I think she’s pretty, and it’s totally not weird. Okay, it’s not too weird. Maybe.

  Anyways. She’s not into girls and she’s dating my best friend which means she’s totally off limits. Got it? So you can stop all your little pervy comments before you get started on them.

  “What do you know about them?” I asked.

  I figured there was a fifty/fifty on where this was going. On the one hand she could admit she knew something about their relationship I didn’t. That there really was a reason why they should be broken up and I was too close to Sandra and didn’t know what that reason was.

  Or she could tell me an obvious lie that I’d be able to figure out because she was lying about one of my BFFs and then I’d know she was the one who’d been emailing me.

  “They’re perfectly happy together,” she said, and that deflated me.

  “Um. Do you want to tell me what the heck is going on here?” Craig asked. “You’re acting really weird. Like this totally isn’t like you at all.”

  I sighed. I suppose I knew on some level that a conversation like this was going to happen at some point if I let them come over here.

  I didn’t say anything. Instead I walked over to my laptop and handed it to Craig. The email was still wide open, and it’s not like I had anyth
ing to hide since he could totally get in there any time he wanted to.

  He was the brains behind the tech part of my little operation, after all.

  I could tell when he got to the big moment of truth when his eyes went wide. Then I could tell the exact moment he got to the even bigger moment of truth when his eyebrows shot up so fast it was a wonder they didn’t go into low earth orbit.

  He looked up at me. His mouth was wide open and he was clearly pretty fucking astonished by what he’d read.

  “Is this true?” he asked.

  I sighed. Looked at Kylie. Then back to him. I suppose at some point I was going to have to start trusting people with this stuff, and for some reason coming out to a complete stranger and my best friend that I’d known my whole life seemed like a good place to start.

  I’d known Craig long enough that I knew he wouldn’t judge me, and Kylie was low stakes. Sure there was the risk she could run out there and tell the world, but that’s the weird thing about coming out.

  Sometimes you don’t think about the consequences. Sometimes you just do it because once you realize the big secret it’s sitting in your heart waiting to burst out into the world and you need to tell someone.

  It just so happens that the someone I needed to tell was Kylie. And Craig.

  “It’s true,” I said. “I’ve totally fallen head over heels in love…”

  Kylie clapped her hands together and smiled. I thought I even saw her mouth Steve’s name, but that smile froze on her face the next moment.

  “And I’m in love with another girl.”

  You could drop a pin in that room and you probably still wouldn’t be able to hear it when it hit the ground because I had carpeting in my room, but it was pretty quiet.

  “Whoa,” Kylie said.

  “Whoa is the understatement of the century,” Craig said. “And why would someone try to break up you and Steve?”

  “That’s not all,” I said. “Someone also tried to contract me to break up Sandra. I think someone out there knows who I am and they’re trying to get me to panic and reveal something.”